Denial
I submitted my vote by mail ballot over a week ahead of time at the local ballot box, hoping maybe we could have the first woman president this time, since apparently the last female candidate didn’t quite cut it. Some representation would be nice, but alas, as I finally began checking the results Tuesday evening, it became apparent that no matter how qualified a woman is, no matter how great of a leader she has demonstrated herself to be, the bar is just too high.
“He can be lawless, but she has to be flawless.”
My country would rather elect a felon with a pile of sexual assault accusations and a history of racist, sexist, xenophobic and divisive behavior and rhetoric than an extremely well qualified and experienced woman of color. Or, more accurately, they’d rather just sit this one out and let their apathy usher in literal fascism.
I feel betrayed. I want it to not be true. We can’t sell ourselves out AGAIN, can we?! Surely we learned something since last time!? Nope.
Anger
Wednesday morning I am up early and on a shuttle to SFO to catch a flight to Baltimore to visit my partner Wesley. I definitely slept like shit, and have been the entire week leading up to the election. My body knew.
I received a text message from a number I didn’t recognize (202.217.8926 if anyone is curious to do some sleuthing) with a video of Trump’s smirking face winking, and the caption “🇺🇸 America will be great again!”
It feels like a punch to the gut. I resist the urge to reply to whoever is mocking my pain via gloating text message and try to sleep. I can’t help but take politics personally when the candidate that stacked the Supreme Court with right wing loyalists who overturned Roe v Wade and ushered in a new era of corruption and anti-democratic decisions, the one who’s assaulted many women because he thinks he can just “grab ’em by the pussy,” very obviously a malignant narcissist, triggers me on a personal level every time I hear his voice. I have been getting 2016 flashbacks, and so many of my nightmares from that time came true during his last term that I don’t know if I can handle another one. Trump reminds me of my abusive narcissistic ex, especially the way he talks down to people and manipulates with a carefully orchestrated facade of lies constructed to bolster his ego.
It’s not that I’m mad at the people who voted for him as much as his enablers, and the larger system of fascism and capitalism his movement represents. He takes advantage of people’s lack of education or survival instincts to convince them he can help them, and the Democrats sure could do a better job of actually speaking to the pain points of the people (what happened to being the party of the working class?) People really don’t like being told they are being duped, apparently even less so than falling victim to a con artist’s grift.
Narcissists are master manipulators. Unfortunately most of the people who have fallen for his bullshit won’t find out until it’s too late and he’s coming for their rights too. He considers the “radical left lunatics” the “enemy within” and blames all of our problems on already vulnerable populations like immigrants and trans folks.
He’s a bully. And it INFURIATES me that he’s managed to scam his way back into the system, riding on his privilege. I don’t know if this stage will be ending any time soon…

Bargaining
Maybe he won’t fulfill the promises he made to deport millions of immigrants. Maybe we’ll still get legal weed, even though it does not seem like a priority especially with JD Vance around. Maybe he’ll… wait, he appointed Elon Musk to WHAT NOW?! Great, a cabinet full of quacks, grifters and sex offenders, an anti-vaxxer in charge of healthcare policy, and I’m sure his kids will all have nice cushy appointments… Republicans have control of all three branches of government and both bodies of Congress.
This is dire. This feels helpless.
What went wrong? Let’s overthink on all the things the Harris campaign could have done better, wish that Biden could have just realized he was too damn old before the primaries, overanalyze the voter demographics, or search for signs of scandal (Elon was definitely up to some shady shit)… Unfortunately none of that will actually change anything and might induce headaches.
Oh great. My watch informs me that my resting heart rate is almost 10 beats per minute higher than normal in the last week (looks at calendar, it’s been a week since the election).
I respond to my Doctor’s messages and decide to try a steady dose of hormones via low dose birth control, which could help manage my awful periods and possible endometriosis symptoms. Despite my hesitation about hormonal birth control, I decide to go forward with getting the prescription. I tell my doctor I’m scared access to birth control will change in the near future so I’d like to stock up; he agrees and gets prescription submitted to the pharmacy. That will be $0 thanks to the ACA requiring insurers to cover birth control. Thanks Obama.
Depression
Seeing news about his cabinet appointments is both laughable and depressing. Fox News pundits, rich donors / unwavering supporters, and dudes with a history of sexual assault accusations seem to be the common theme. He’s being called out on making promises like lowering the costs of groceries and tariffs being a good idea. The lies are being exposed but nobody cares. Nothing happens.
Trump and his disrespect for any sort of institution, like democracy for instance, is sadly a big part of the draw. And I get it. From the perspective of a lot of this country, “the government” – however they may define it – is the bad guy. Out to get them and not to be trusted. Unfortunately this is not the greatest for things like public health, access to essential services, and voter turnout.
And they are right – in a lot of ways, our government and its rigid two-party system has failed the American people at large. Its priorities are upside down and nothing is “trickling down” – the divide is only growing.
But so is class consciousness… Cue Luigi: “Deny. Depose. Defer.” long enough and the apathy, the depression and the anger simmers into rage and sometimes into action.
I used to be a pacifist. But I think reality got too dark, too real and too awful for me to truly take any type of revolution off the table. Sometimes the only language a violent and harmful system understands is violence and fear. We might as well make CEOs afraid again.
Acceptance
Glimmers of hope like seeing the solidarity of support around “The Adjuster” aka United Healthcare CEO murderer inspire some deep discussions in my online communities has helped bring me around from the dumps into a place of focusing on how to move forward.
Seeing Amazon and Starbucks workers unite in striking during the busy and overly consumption focused holiday season actually sparks some joy in my little socialist heart. I want us all to win, and that’s why this election feels like such a deep loss. A loss to the people, to the working class, the oppressed and those facing atrocities like war or systemic violence like poverty or lack of access to necessary healthcare… This is a brutal loss for women, for democracy, for queer and trans folks and for the strength of our communities, our infrastructure and our democratic process.
Hold fast. Take care of each other. My goals for the new year are focused on fortifying myself and my immediate community, helping those who are vulnerable, stocking up on essential items that may become harder to come by (abortion medication, birth control, hormone therapy, etc), and building solidarity and community locally and online in everything I do.
We must all keep fighting in our own way. Find ways to volunteer in your local community, donate to local food banks and non-profits, get vocal in support of vital institutions like the US Postal Service and the Affordable Care Act. Pressure your elected officials and stay informed. But mostly to start small by taking care of yourself and those around you. You cannot pour from an empty cup, a lesson that I have always had a hard time learning!
As the holidays help lift my spirits and the gratitude I have for my family, my loved ones and my life starts to come back into focus, the waves of anger and sadness subside and I channel that energy into the fight ahead.
Please stay in touch with ways you are staying active in your community and causes that need attention and support. And whether you are celebrating or having a hard time this holiday season, my heart goes out to you. Take care, stay cozy, and keep your heart in it.